Today was a “where are you God” day. Not in the good way, as if there is such a thing. Good meaning in a way that’s meaningful like when you see someone very evil freed from jail way too early or you have to attend the funeral of a child. On those days its more expected and more accepted. On those days God waits by the phone knowing you’ll call with doubts and questions about his plan and His goodness. This type of day manifested for me in a much more self-indulgent way. I am still making no money. In all honesty I don’t need a lot of money..living at home really decreases your expenses. But I do need a little more than I’m making and the feeling of having none just sits and waits in my chest, tightening the muscles and causing my heart to race at the thought of buying a coffee. This morning I needed to pick up my boss for work which I don’t mind at all but I woke up naturally..instead of with my alarm and noticed there seems to be way too much light for 6:30 am. This is because it was 7:19am..the time in which I need to be ready to leave the house. Needless to say, I was not. I was in a sea foam green nightgown definitely not appropriate for work. I threw some clothes on and rushed out the door hoping maybe I could take her into work and then go home and get ready. I am truly lucky I had the sense in the midst of my haste to even put a bra on.
I raced to her house seething behind any slow driver I found myself tailing. It took all the self-control I had in me not to turn and give them the “look” when I eventually did pass them. I made it on time and didn’t go home after we got to work but instead borrowed pants and a shirt and some socks. My face was sans makeup, my teeth brushed by a spare toothbrush in my boss’s bathroom cabinet. This small incident, some malfunction of a bad app on my phone, keeping my phone alarm from sounding, ruined my entire day. And more than that, I let it. I encouraged it and I wallowed in it. Sometimes I don’t feel like being great, or even normal. I just want to be as sensitive as I feel like being and take things how they could sound and not how I know they mean, I want to feel sorry for myself and listen to lots of very whiny music and feel like my problems are just so, so big and so incapable of being solved. Why is it so much easier for us to slip into this? To live in the box instead of seeing the big picture beyond the half open flaps, seeing the possibility of better days ahead, sufficient salary’s and long periods of time to get ready for work and phones that function properly. Why is it so easy to forget the gifts God gave me yesterday and Saturday and last December and every day before this day? I am enveloped in this stale, seemingly very overwhelming day and over and over in my head I think, “Where are you God? Don’t you see me struggling and falling and ready to give up?” And I wait for a paycheck to fall from the sky and the events of the morning to be erased from my memory. But nothing falls into my lap and I am still reliving that feeling of knowing you’re not where you should be and you can’t take it back.
On these days you can feel the tears burning behind your eyes. But they don’t come because that would be relief and relief isn’t really what I’m looking for, just the freedom to drown , to lay in bed and fixate on just how much God has forgotten you and the plan you thought he had for you. Surely this couldn’t be part of it? I can’t wait to look back on this time and understand it. I mean I literally fantasize about talking to my friends one day and mulling over these years and how much we learned and how I understand now why everything had to happen. There are tons of days, experiences, tragedies that I can reflect on now and thank God for. Thank him that they have brought me to where I am and for teaching me such a valuable lesson, for making me more empathic and more aware. But now sitting in my bed and writing trying to ease this very interesting cocktail of pain, I am just in it. I know that Gods plan remains in action, that this is part of the grand scheme. But I feel like I’m in a snow globe and there is nothing bigger or past this situation, this job, the everyday issues that steal my joy. I know that everyone has days like this (all 2 of you reading this (: ) I don’t mean to discourage anybody. Being a great woman is still very important. Rather I want to encourage you . you are a human and will have human days, days where you want to keep driving until you reach another state. They are just days, they will pass and you will feel the warmth of the sunshine again. All I can say is, keep on truckin’.
